I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
