I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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