Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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