I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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