I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
