I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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