im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
