Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Randomize
