i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
