your parents love me but you hate me
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
