1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
