In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
