My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
