You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
