found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
