got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
