I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
