Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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