You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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