did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
