Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize