You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
