I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
