i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize