Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
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