How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
