a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Randomize
