I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Two words: blizzard sex
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I would ride that face into the sunset
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Randomize
