yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
