yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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