Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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