And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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