I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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