Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize