if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
