I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
