My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
