I wish I could punch you in the face.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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