My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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