I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
