You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize