Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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