If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
