Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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