I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
