hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Randomize
