so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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