you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
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