Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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