I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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