I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize