note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize