alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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