she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
