Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
