Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
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