grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
