I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
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