I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Randomize
