i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
