did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
